NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS ARE EXTREMELY POPULAR ‘SOUNDS GOOD TO SAY’ OATHS, BUT ARE RARELY KEPT. FOR EXAMPLE, AN OBESE PERSON MAY SAY ‘MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION IS TO LOSE WEIGHT’. THEN YOU ROLL UP ON THEM JANUARY 21ST WITH TWINKIE RESIDUE ON THEIR MOUTH…..AND CLOTHES…AND HAIR.
I CHOOSE NOT TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS…BECAUSE I KNOW I’M HUMAN. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I LIKE TO BRING IN THE NEW YEAR FUCKIN UP!! MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE REST OF THE YEAR’S DEBAUCHERY.
SINCE I’M REALISTIC ABOUT MY BULLSHIT, I DECIDED TO MAKE RESOLUTIONS FOR SOME OF OUR FAVORITE PEOPLE…
I HEARD TYRA BANKS MIGHT BE GOING OFF THE AIR..WE’LL MISS HER, FOREHEAD AND ALL. BUT HER RESOLUTION, FOR THE REMAINING EPISODES, SHOULD BE TO ‘STOP TRYING TO RELATE TO EVERY GUEST’S EXPERIENCE ON HER SHOW!!’ SOMETHING TELLS ME IF SHE WAS INTERVIEWING A CAMBODIAN MIDGET AMPUTEE, SHE WOULD SAY ‘I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A ONE LEGGED MIDGET… MY MOMMA WAS THERE TO HELP ME THROUGH CHILD!! EASY, TYRA…
TIGER WOODS RESOLUTION SHOULD BE TO ‘UPGRADE HIS PIMP GAME’… OBVIOUSLY. LESSON NUMBER ONE IS KEEPING YOUR WIFE OUT YO’ DAMN BUSINESS. A REAL BLACK MAN KNOWS HOW TO GIVE HIS WOMAN ”THE LOOK’…IT SAYS, ‘I WON’T HIT YOU, BUT THAT FLIGHT OF STAIRS WILL ON YOUR WAY DOWN!!’ TRUST ME, SHE WON’T BE OFFENDED. SHE’LL ACTUALLY BE TURNED ON BY YOUR NEW FOUND BALLS!!
T.I.’S RESOLUTION SHOULD BE TO STAY OUT THIS TIME… AND THEN TO NEVER DO LOCAL COMMERCIALS FOR THE COPS. WE KNOW IT WAS COMMUNITY SERVICE, BUT IT JUST LOOKS BAD, LIL HOMIE. PLUS MOST COPS THINK THEY’RE GOD…MAKE THEM PROVE IT. THEY DON’T NEED OUR HELP. A CERTAIN N.W.A. SONG COMES TO MIND AS I TYPE…………
YUNG BERG’S RESOLUTION SHOULD BE TO GET HIS JEWELRY SURGICALLY IMPLANTED INTO HIS NECK…THEN AGAIN, ONE OF THESE GRIMEY NIGGAS WILL STEAL HIS LARNYX. SCRATCH THAT ONE. BAD IDEA.
UNCLE RUSH’S RESOLUTION SHOULD BE TO PLACE 10 SECOND INTERVALS BETWEN PHILOSOPHIZING AND CUSSIN NIGGAS OUT! HE’S MASTERED DOING BOTH IN THE SAME SENTENCE..YOU’RE CONFUSING AND SCARING US, UNCLE.. I CAN NAME THREE OF YOUR EMPLOYEES THAT SHIT THEIR PANTS BECAUSE OF IT.
THERE’S PLENTY MORE PEOPLE I CAN NAME, BUT IT’S TIME TO GET OFF THIS COMPUTER AND GET INTO SOMETHIN… HAVE A BLESSED NEW YEAR, EVERYONE, AND USE CONDOMS!!
AFF
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