“To all my love slaves out there: Thunderlips is here. In the flesh, baby. The ultimate male versus… the ultimate meatball. Ha, ha, ha.” – Hulk Hogan aka Thunderlips- Rocky III
Yes, we had to pull out a quote from Hulk Hogan playing Thunderlips in Rocky III, and why? Because the same sexual Adonis he played more than 30 years ago is back in the flesh baby.
If you don’t know, the Hulkster appears in a new “sex tape,” and we use that word lightly, because the two participants don’t know they’re being recorded. Either way, it’s a must see, at least the chopped up 1:52 version that was released by Gawker yesterday.
Apparently, the Hulkster is caught indulging in his carnal fantasies with another man’s wife, but that’s not all, the alleged husband knew the sexcapades were going down and can supposedly be heard in the beginning of the video saying, “All right you guys do your thing, I’ll be in my office if you need me.”
After the man leaves, the Hulkster proceeds to pull out his python and we’re off. The full tape is about 30 minutes long, and thankfully for us, the writer over at Gawker goes into great detail about everything that went on during the marathon session.
As for the 1:52 version, it tells a story that only we can break down. There were so many questions, nuances and observations we couldn’t overlook!
Take a look as we break down the Hulk Hogan sex tape…
First, the voice off camera says: “Alright listen, you guys do your thing. I’ll be in my office if you need me.”
Obviously the nonchalant attitude displayed by all three assures us that this isn’t the first time this has gone down, they’re used to this already.
Second, why would the Hulkster need you? He body slammed Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania I, the Hulkster has this one covered. We’re sure he can handle a naked woman lying on a bed.
After the dude leaves, Hulkamania goes into full effect. He doesn’t rip his shirt off like we’re accustomed to, even though that would have been awesome. Instead, he casually disrobes by taking off his pants only to reveal two things. His “python” and the very noticeable epic tan on his bum. That dude loves to tan.
Before the naked woman wraps her lips around little Hulkster, the session is interrupted as Hogan gets a phone call and tells her to stop, it may be his son Nick calling. Here’s a couple things we couldn’t help notice: one, when the phone rings it plays his daughter Brooke’s song “About Us” featuring Paul Wall.
First, how awkward and creepy is that, and second, who still has ringtones, didn’t they die with Soulja Boy’s career?
It wasn’t Nick by the way, because Hulk looks at the phone and says, “No. F*ck No.”
The video skips ahead and we’re now into full fledged Hulkamania, hold no bars, rock ’em sock ’em, rough-housing in your face dirty-talking sex.
Climbing mount Hulkster, the unidentified woman says that she’s impressed by Hogan’s big unit, which is odd because Hogan has admitted to using steroids in his younger days, and don’t ‘roids make your junk smaller?
So now the ride is over, and as reported by Gawker it lasted 30 minutes, which is awesome considering that Hogan is 59 years old. A 59-year-old dude going for 30 minutes!
Now we move into the awkward stage of sexual encounters, you know the part when someone has to leave, because why would you want to stay?
Here we see Hulk showing a little insecurity about his performance, as he states, “F*ck. I just ate too. I fell like a pig.”
A little playful jesting occurs next. While the Hulkster gets dressed, you can hear the woman telling Hulk in a ‘this was fun, now you gotta go manner, “Get your clothes and get out” to which Hogan replies, “I’m gone.”
But the Hulkster doesn’t end there, he begins to praise the woman for her sexual prowess, saying things like, “I felt like I just got off a fu*king roller coaster,” and sitting on the bed exclaiming, “I’m out of breath.” Well he is 59. at least he wasn’t in a steel cage match with Macho Man Randy Savage…OH YEAH!!!
Next is the awkward goodbye. But first Hulk tells the woman that the girl his son is dating has a twin sister and that she would like to date Hulk himself, once his divorce is final, prompting the woman to call the Hulkster, “a hot commodity, to which Hogan replies, “Yeah right.” Dude, you are a hot commodity! If you’re between 25-30 years old, growing up as a kid you were a Hulkamaniac. You said your prayers every night, ate your vegetables and were true to yourself and did all the things Hulkster instructed.
So now it’s time to depart and the Hulkster thanks the woman, leaning over to kiss her. And as the Hulk leaves the room he asks, “You want this open or closed?” We assume he means the door, either way, she wants it open.
If this wasn’t the best sexual encounter of all time, then we don’t know what is. No one’s performing for the camera, no one’s acting, it’s all real – unlike wrestling.