Thanksgiving is here and while half the nation is making their final round of pit stops at the supermarkets, the other half is wondering how the heck they’re going to make it through another holiday season with their overbearing family.
Look no further than the late and great Notorious Biggie Smalls for the 10 commandments on getting through Thanksgiving dinner. We deciphered the coding in Biggie’s 10 Crack Commandments and realized that he was giving us the guide to complete turkey etiquette this entire time. They didn’t call him Biggie for nothing!
One two three four five six seven eight nine, check out the foolproof 10 Thanksgiving Commandments below:
“Rule nombre uno: never let no one know how much, dough you hold”
Basically what Biggie was trying to say is, don’t let your eyes be bigger than your belly. Chicken, potatoes, cranberry, oh my! You may want to pile it all on with dreams of shoveling it all into your face, but you’ll be happier if you load your plate as you go, as to not be wasteful or disrespectful to the host. Don’t let them know how much “dough” you can hold in one sitting.
“Number two: never let ‘em know your next move”
Unless you’re leaving the table to re-up on wine for the guests, there is no need to tell everyone you have to take a break to release your bladder. Keep it classy and don’t let ‘em know your next move.
“Number three: never trust no-bo-dy “
Does that mystery potpie that your neighbor dropped off look a little sus? Leave it alone. Don’t be the victim of a food poisoning tragedy for trusting everyone’s cooking.
“Number four: know you heard this before “
Yes, your old drunk uncle is going to tell the same story he tells every year, but dammit, you throw your head back and laugh like this is the first time you’ve ever heard that inappropriate joke about flagrant gasses.
“Number five: never sell no crack where you rest at”
Big Poppa was pretty elusive with this one, but we’re sure he meant save your best cooking recipes for the home, more specifically Thanksgiving dinner at your home. Also, could you imagine crack heads intruding on your dinnertime? Golden rule.
“Number six: that god damn credit, dead it”
Because turkey ain’t as cheap as it once was.
“Seven: this rule is so underrated. Keep your family and business completely separated”
Aunt Sally is going to want to know every single aspect of your life, because after all, she changed your diapers! But understand that she will never fully grasp how you’re allowed to go to work without a suit and a briefcase and don’t even try to explain to her why it’s imperative that you check your Twitter feed.
“Number eight: never keep no weight on you “
Because your mom will not hesitate to point out that you’re looking a little “heavy” in front of the entire family at dinner.
“Number nine shoulda been number one to me. If you ain’t gettin’ bagged stay the fuck from police”
Shit gets real when you’re forced to spend time eating dinner with your family, but no matter how real it gets, never dial 911 during turkey time, unless you’re bagging your meal to go once they come, that is.
“Number ten: a strong word called consignment “
This commandment is a no-brainer! Don’t show up to dinner without something to give to the host or to contribute to the table. C’mon, we all have to contribute to the feast!
Follow the 10 Thanksgiving Commandments and you’ll be sure to have mad bread to break up. Thanks for the wisdom, Biggie.