Summer unofficially starts on Memorial Day Weekend.
And while everyone is gearing up to hit up their local beaches, there will be thousands of brave souls who pack up their whole life to spend four days in Miami to experience Freaknik revamped – Urban Beach Week.
Now, if you’ve never been to Miami during Memorial Day Weekend, you should probably thank God.
No seriously, THANK. GOD.
BUT if you are an eager 21-year-old looking to kick off your summer by flashing the world and screaming out YOLO…
…like I was many years ago, then you have to read my 13-step guide on how to survive the absolute terror that goes down in Miami during Urban Beach Week.
If you considered yourself a dignified human being, my first advice to you would be: Don’t Go!
I know it sounds like so much fun; beautiful people, all in one place, in one beautiful beach town.
Well, guess what?
It’s not.
But if you must go, here is my 13-step survival guide to Urban Beach Week below…
1. Go with trusted friends.
No new friends should accompany you during Urban Beach Week. There are too many creeps, losers, and weirdos to bring sketchy new “friends.”
2. Pace yourself.
Remember, slow and steady always wins the race.
3. Don’t be alarmed when you see things like this…
this…
…or this. It’s all a part of the game.
4. Be careful on the scooters
because you don’t want to end up like this…
5. Always watch your drinks.
Rick Ross is from Miami, and you don’t want to be in a “U.O.E.N.O.” situation.
6. If you’re drunk, call a cab.
Walking back to the hotel could land you in the hospital.
7. Always bring your nightly hookup back to your place.
This rule also applies to guys as well. No one can be trusted, so bring the girl/guy back to a place where you’re comfortable.
8. But if for some reason you find yourself in someone’s hotel…always plan your exit strategy.
9. Guys: pack enough wife beaters to last you for 4 scores and 7 years.
Girls: The same rule applies to you. Pack enough swimsuits for 4 scores and 7 years.
10. Never reveal your true identity.
No one is trying to make life long connections during beach week, so why give some nosey weird guy your real name. Pick a fun “club” name and go by that for the entire weekend.
11. Read the manual to your luxury rental.
There’s nothing more embarrassing then pulling up to the club, popping up the butterfly doors to your rented Lambo, and not being able to get them back down. Save yourself the embarrassment. READ, READ, READ the manual. Or get help from the people at the rental company.
12. Bring enough condoms to “KOBE” them all weekend. And always remember to…
13. Party til you puke.
