There comes a time in every young person’s life where one has to leave the comfort of the kiddie pool, and blossom into the beauty that swims or suns near the adult pool … and with this great passage of time, comes some great responsibilities.
So pretty much what we are saying here is there is a lot of shit you need to know before you get all willy-nilly celebrating the kick off of summer season.
Believe it or not, some people are still in the grey area about what they should and shouldn’t do when it comes to common summer scenarios, well as a great philosopher by the name of Sweet Brown once said, “ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.” So before you hit the pool, backyard BBQ or the beach this weekend we’ve done the liberty of breaking down a few do’s and don’ts (but mostly don’ts) of common summer etiquette. Pass it on, print it out, hang it on the door to your backyard, do with it what you may … but please follow it.
SUMMER SCENARIO: Pool
DON’T spend the first 2 hours waterside trying to take the perfect selfie. Seriously, take 3 snaps and sort through them later. I will judge you if you contour and reposition your breast for your own camera for more than 10 consecutive minutes.
DON’T go to the bathroom barefoot. I know, your flip flops are all the way on the other side, but if you’re at a public pool party or beach, the bathroom is still very much a public one, so spare yourself the e-coli exposure and put some damn slippers on…which brings me to my next point..
DON’T go to the bathroom in the pool. No, seriously. Get your slippers and bring your wet ass to the bathroom.
DO dry off if you’re entering a residence to use the rest room. Nobody wants you tracking chlorine on their fresh polyurethane floors!
DO apply sunblock to your whole body. Because a 20 year old ass doesn’t look good with a 40 year old over-sun-exposed neck. Trust me.
DON’T wear a face full of makeup. You’ll get splashed and look like a drowned raccoon…and we will all point and laugh.
SUMMER SCENARIO: Backyard BBQ
DO show up with some food and or drinks. And don’t even think about bringing a 6 pack of beers for a BBQ with 20 guests when you plan on drinking 12 beers. Simple math.
DON’T get close to the grill. No safety concerns here, just mind your business about what is cooking until the grill master is done being a grill master.
DON’T try to de-throne the king of the grill. This is just nature. A man is the alpha of his BBQ grill and if you attempt to takeover, you are threatening his masculinity. If a woman is on the grill, the same goes. No misogynistic “what’s a prettty little thing like you doing on the grill” jokes will be tolerated.
DO be weary of all potato salad. This is a life rule…mayo and heat are not friends.
DON’T try to leave with 5 doggie bags before everyone has eaten. If I see you put a plate to the side for later, I am eating it. Cold world.
DON’T complain about the bugs. Spray and shut it up.
DO offer to help clean up before leaving, slob.
SUMMER SCENARIO: Beach
DO pack simple snacks like grapes, sandwiches and the likes.
DON’T try to have thanksgiving dinner menu items while sitting on the beach. That shit can wait for later, trust me.
DON’T wear heels to the beach…it’s like, not even practical unless you’re Courtney Stodden.
DON’T complain about how salty the salt water is. It’s the ocean, you mere mortal, and you knew it was salty before you got in.
DON’T run on the sand. Seriously asshole, people are laying here and you’re kicking sand in their face. Go run near the water.
DON’T wear a thong if you are any of the following: A male over 50, jail bait, or if Honey Boo Boo’s Momma June is your celebrity doppelganger.
We’re sure there are more than a few things we missed, but the bottom line is this: don’t be that jerk this summer. Urinate in bathrooms, clean up after BBQs, don’t wear heels to the beach, and maybe, just maybe you’ll get invited a lot more places next year.
Good chat, champ.
Photo credit: Splash News
