Men, listen to me. There’s some things you may or may not [are most likely] doing that you shouldn’t be. And actually, you need to stop right now. Or yesterday if we could go back in time. But we can’t, so after reading this, stop them all right away.
Especially if you ever want a girlfriend, or at least to be taken seriously in this life.
Here are 14 rules you should live by…
1. STOP wearing fedoras. Act like this was written in the 10 commandments and live by it.
2. Please no grey sweats in public. On a lazy Sunday? Sure, why not. But your dick print out in public? Makes me feel kinda ehh.
3. Why are you so matchy-matchy? Just because your shirt has orange and blue in it, does not mean your shoes need to, too. You look ree-dick-you-liss.
4. Real men do not take selfies. Sorry.
5. And they also don’t Instagram their outfits. Sorry I’m not sorry. I don’t need a collage of your shoes, shirt, belt and watch. Nope.
6. Don’t be a dickrider [I see ALL you dudes at these hip-hop shows] – Stop pushing girls out of the way to get closer to the stage.
7. Don’t hold your girl’s purse. Ever. Unless it’s like a dire situation, but I can’t see that actually happening. Save yourself the embarrassment.
8. Stop talking about it and please just be about it. Take a page from Pharrell & The Clipse – no one likes a Mr. Me Too.
9. No name dropping. I don’t care who you know or who you’ve partied with. I am not impressed. You are not them. You are not cool by association.
10. Did I mention NO fedoras? Live by this rule. Unless you’re Maxwell or JT. And we can all agree you’re not.
11. Do not under any circumstance use the term “Yolo!” – or really any cliche Drake lyric for that matter. Don’t be a cliche.
12. Am I the only one who thinks a dude that sleeps past 9AM needs to get it together? Real men wake up early and go to work. This isn’t college, progress people.
13. Don’t post photos from the club that look like this. Don’t use the hashtag #bottleservice. Enjoy your night out, but don’t document every “ballin'” second of it. That just makes you lame.
14. Why are some of you guys Instagramming selfies with your grandmother at her 90th birthday party? Keep those personal moments personal, we do not think it’s cute that you’re sensitive and love your grandma. There’s a line you shouldn’t cross. TMI motherfucker.
In conclusion, I guess you all need a little lesson in social media 101. Let it help you, don’t let it hurt you. And try to get a girl to go shopping with you, because chances are you’re not as good at it as you think you are. Thanks.