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New York is the latest state to ban the distribution of Four Loko, the drink that combines alcohol and energy drink into one big *ss can. It’s allegedly responsible for pregnancies, vomiting, whirlwinds, death, amazing nights at the casino (a personal story), and city black outs.

It has the equivalent of three beers and three cups of coffee; we mean three shots and three-and-a-half cups of coffee; no wait, two beers, a shot and like four coffees. Actually its coke. Its coke in can. Made with real lightning.

Four Loko came under scrutiny when some college students drank too much of it and ended up in the emergency room with alcohol poisoning. Really? College kids with alcohol poisoning? I guess we should just ban college kids, we mean alcohol, we mean beer, we mean bars, we mean coffee, we mean parents.

On Tuesday, Phusion Projects, the company that makes the drink said it would stop putting caffeine in the drink. The company’s founders said in a statement that while they still believed it was safe to blend caffeine and alcohol, they wanted to cooperate with regulators.

It is safe. People aren’t.

So, we made a list of things that exist in the world that should have been banned before Four Loko (if something actually had to be banned).

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So it’s not okay for energy drinks and alcohol to be combined into a drink (which will still happen anyway through Redbull & Vodka’s and people drinking coffee to stay awake for a drinking binge) because it’s harmful to the body and it causes people to stupid things (alcohol by itself won’t cause alcohol poisoning right?) but it’s still okay for American society to kill themselves with fat. Nice work FDA. Thumbs up.

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That is a donut, well two of them. Between them is bacon. And a cheeseburger or maybe that’s an egg. We’ll stick with that. Here’s to a slow death.

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Pork Rinds are fried or roasted pig skin. We can taste them in our mouths right now and we kind of want to throw up like we have a hangover. Ban them! Ban hangovers too, we aren’t fans of those either.

Pork Rinds can stay if they would come like the picture above.

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Silly Bandz cause cancer. Ok no they don’t but there was a rumor circulating around the internet kind of like that rumor that Four Loko was equivalent to doing coke. Besides, whoever created them is probably in league with the Devil.

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Mixing coke with bourbon needs to be banned. If you’re drinking bourbon, man the hell up and drink some bourbon and while you’re at it grow some facial hair. Also, stop combing your hair. Rinse your mouth out with this manliest of substances after you brush your teeth and get rid of that poetry you write.

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Auto-tune is infiltrating our music like the robot apocalypse will eventually infiltrate your home. You should probably destroy the toaster now while you still have a chance or make some toast. One of our editors has a Hello Kitty toaster that prints her cat face onto