Whew! Where do I begin??!?! There is a whole lotta back story in reference to the 'Lets Talk About Pep' episode that aired on VH1 on Monday, January 25th with me and Alan in it! I feel compelled to speak on it, because the feedback I am getting is BANANAS!
Firstly, Please believe that scenario was VERY real! The details of how and when we met are not nearly as interesting or necessary as the actual 1st date after 3 yrs of amazing conversation and computer foreplay. We “hit it off” right away, and became phone buddies having conversations anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. Alan is a very smart guy, and though we differ in age by 10 years, he is a really very mature and patient man. He is well traveled, obviously delish to look at, open to new interests and an amazing conversationalist. I mean he would have to be someone that could hold my interest and keep me intrigued for such a long period of time ‘cuz as you might have noticed, I am a lil’ ADD! Ha!
Believe me folks, I am a very hands on when it comes to people I genuinely care for, and I made every attempt to legitimize “us” again and again, but to no avail. I was never given the title of girlfriend; I was made to feel as if I had to earn his desire to spend face-to-face time with him, and though I always honored him with gifts and small gestures to SHOW him that I sincerely loved who I thought he was, he NEVER even sent me a card on my birthday. I really believe that Mr. McLoud suffers from delusions of grandeur, in that he rarely allowed himself to be accountable for any wrongdoing on his part, he never felt it necessary to reciprocate my efforts with anything tangible and I was often taken to task about my being worthy of him.
Even today, I am still a lil’ perplexed about what Alan’s motives were with me. We all know by now that he was clearly not driven by sexual desire. But other than creating and eventually perfecting the mind games and control tactics he used on me, my only conclusion of this entire “situation” is that for some people, just knowing that he could have kittie calling him from LA just to ask permission to do “WHATEVER” was enough of a turn-on.
Look, let me be crystal clear, I am not necessarily the victim here, and it is not my desire to throw Alan under the bus, but right is right, and wrong is wrong! Yes, the choices I made again and again were made by solely by me, but I have a real problem with some of the backlash I am getting, portraying me as a loosey goosey---throwing myself on this man. Puh-leeeease! We talked about this final moment (that ONLY came to fruition once VH1 made it possible) a gabillion times! I had rehearsed what that 1st time would feel like in my head repeatedly! There were many different broken promises, I was mislead quite often and was informed that he had a girlfriend ONLY after he left NY and a young lady from Virginia Beach VA commenting on VH1.com shared that she knew his girlfriend.
Looking back in retrospect, there were all kinds of red flags during this on-again-off-again three year period! I saw them then, but found it hard to accept that this could really be my life. I guess some part of me and my own deep-rooted insecurities refused to accept that a man who felt like my soul mate could want anything but goodness f