Over the past few years, gossip and entertainment sites have all been competing to become the ultimate watering hole for people looking to find celebrity folly. Many have come and gone with one major organization rising to the top of the brain junk food chain. That organization is TMZ.
Don't front, every celebrity driven site wants to be TMZ. That's with good reason though. TMZ has single handedly put leveled the sanctuary of stars too comfortable in idol worship. Who wouldn't want to be responsible for something as big as that?
For everyone looking to become the next TMZ, I've got the formula! It's not that difficult really, follow these simple steps below to assemble your team and you'll be on prime-time television in no time.
The Managing Editor
Find a lawyer to who's tired of getting peeled off the back of ambulances to become a managing editor. Preferably he should be older with an out of touch quirkiness about him. That way, when a member of the editorial staff mentions the latest pop sensation, he can shrug his shoulders and give an I-just-don't-get-you-kids look.
The Editorial Staff
I wish I could say that these folks will be the heart of the organization but unfortunately, they're not. You can act like you're taking them seriously on camera but in actual operation, they are to serve as your personal dish rags and cup coasters. Be sure to hire a diverse bunch too! If you need help, here is a cheat list to get you started...
- 2 heterosexual white guys. One should be trendy and the other either geeky or fat. Both should be smart and have in-depth knowledge of everything.
- 1 gay dude (flamboyance to your taste). He can be the one to talk about hollywood hunks and what he'd do to them.
- 1 hot Asian woman - You cannot screw this one up! Only choose Japanese, Korean or Chinese. Americans are not quite comfortable learning about any other Asian-based ethnicity just yet. She also has to wear glasses and be very, very attractive. Don't give her too much camera time though, you wouldn't want to wear out her welcome.
- 1 black guy or woman - Someone has to be able to identify random rappers, r&b singers and the cast of the latest Tyler Perry movie. They will also be an invaluable tool when you need someone to point out which Wayans brother is which.
- 1 hot blonde woman - This woman will be on camera most of the time so be sure to pick a good one. Not too old and for Pete's sake not chubby. Your blonde has to be incredibly smart and use big words when necessary. For best results, have her act like she doesn't know she's hot.
- 1-2 frumpy twenty-something white women to hold Starbucks coffee cups while they're talking. They must absolutely have a snarky sense of humor and an endearing awkwardness to them. Sort of like a younger and cuter version of Janeane Garafalo.
The Field Reporters
The key to having the most TMZ-like field reporters is to find people who have the mental capacity of a revolving door but the courage of a house roach. Your first infantry team of content gatherers should do anything to get a photo or video of Tracy Chapman feeding tofu mozzarella sticks to K.D. Lang. Videos should be dark, grainy and out of focus. That way, you can tell the public it's anyone you can think of at the moment and they'll believe it.
The Subjects
Find and follow obscure and forgettable has-beens. That way, when the celebrities people actually care about aren't leaking a sex tape, you'll still have something to report on. You might also want to keep a list of death prone celebrities to use as story pinatas. For example, if the Dalai Lama happens to pass away, you'll be ready to find all of his old girlfriends claiming to have had his love child. If you plan well enough ahead, you may even be able to dig up a transsexual priest who's willing to say that he once hit that.
Now that you're fully armed with the knowledge to build your own multimedia trash powerhouse, the only thing left to do is to make it happen. AOL is constantly looking for new projects so don't be afraid to reach out. In no time you'll have fame and fortune. Just don't forget to thank the person who put you on.
The Blackspot