I didn't realize the power of forgiveness until I learned to take responsibility for mistakes I've made. I didn't make them because of any one else. Sure, other people may have influenced my decisions, but at the end of the day this is my life. I was the one who decided to sink or swim. Succeed or fail. For many years, because of the things that I have gone through within my family, I didn't know how to cope with all the emotions that I was feeling. I was so young, and I didn't understand that what I felt was normal. I always asked myself why when my dad left did he not come to visit me? Why did I lose my brother for 12 years to jail and serious drug problems? Why was my stepfather not capable of loving me as if he were my father? Why did my mother let my brother leave home? Why is this my family? Why couldn't I have a "normal" family? All of these questions rolling around in my head - it was pretty overwhelming.
I admit that I lost track of who I was when my brother left - because the people who I loved the most, who understood me the most, weren't there anymore. I hated living at home. My stepfather didn't understand me and didn't know how to manage my personality. For so long he thought I was a vindictive person. He didn't understand that when a little girl comes and puts on the puppy dog face, you know she wants something. All girls do that with their fathers - but I forgot that he wasn't my father...and, well, it didn't work. It just made my relationship with him feel very unnatural. This was hard. I am a pretty warm and affectionate person. I was always "daddy's little girl" when I was younger, but my biological daddy couldn't handle the responsibility that came along with being a father. And my stepfather, while he is a great person, did not have the same DNA as me. He and I are complete opposites when it comes to emotions and feelings. I never understood that when I was younger. I didn't understand him and he didn't understand me.
When I ran away from home, I was lost. I didn't think that I would ever pull myself out of the hole I was in. But I did. I grew up. Slowly. I realized that I am the one who controls my life and I have to take responsibility for what it is that I want. I don't have to feel sorry for myself and for what I'm not. Or for what my family is not. The personalities in my family are rough. We all have type "A" personalities. When we fight, we fight hard. My mom goes for the jugular and says some things that would make you jump off a building. My brother can throw it back at my mom. But I just cry, because I can’t believe that the things I am hearing are coming out of my mother's mouth. My brother and I don't really fight, he just listens to me. My stepfather cannot talk to you for two months and be fine with that or disown you. Me, I detach. I disappear and tell myself that I don't have a family. And I put up that wall.
So, what I have come to understand is that no one is perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect family. There is no rulebook for a parent or, in my case, for a step parent, that teaches them how to love and how to be a great role model. I love my family. I never used to, but I do now. I love the good days and the bad. They're all stubborn, for sure. But I love them.
My stepfather and I are working out our own issues and trying to have a better relationship. He has been trying a lot harder to understand who I am as a person. And he is learning to accept that I am not the perfect daughter. I didn't follow his path for me (college, marriage, great job, etc.). And although that path is great and rewarding, and I know how lucky I am to have had that choice if I wanted it, it simply wasn't the path that
was meant for me at that time in my life. I always look back and think what if I did go to college...would I be married by now? What would I be doing? What kind of person would I be? But it's hard for me to even imagine answers to those questions, because I couldn't imagine myself any different than the person who is writing to you guys right now. I am now able to forgive. And able to be the bigger person and just give in sometimes. I focus now on trying to make my mom happy. I call her throughout the day to see how she is feeling and I try to make her laugh. I do this because I know no one else does it. And it feels good for me to know that I can make her day a little brighter. All I have to do is want to try. Try to pull my family together and make all of us a little closer, a little stronger, a little happier. I, as one person, have all this power to make the people who I care most about happy.
I put myself in my stepfather's shoes, my biological father's, my mother's and my brother's. I stepped outside the hurt that I felt and I forced myself to understand why they felt the way that they did. By doing this, it made me forgive and accept everything that happened. I did this not because I had to, but rather because I wanted to...for myself. Maybe everything that I have been through has given me the tools to understand, to accept and to be able to relate better to people. Why they do the things they do, or why they don't. Why they make certain choices. I have sympathy and empathy for whoever is going through their own issues. And for refusing to give up.
My biological father called me on my 22nd birthday and I remember this conversation so vividly. He said - "I know our family is messed up. Mom and I couldn't come together and be cordial for the sake of you two. Because we were selfish. I know that you and your brother are the ones who suffered. Not your mother or I. I just want to tell you that I am so sorry for not being there. I should have been there. I know you needed me there.
I should have protected you. (My father was crying at this point). I just want you to know how proud of you I am. Of how you turned out. You are a beautiful woman and look how far you have come. I love you, and your strength makes me so happy. You and your brother are fighters. You two are survivors. I love you and I am so proud you are my daughter. Happy Birthday Pookey."
For me, when my father called me and said this, it was what I needed to let go. Everyone asks me...my mother, my mother’s friends, friends with children of their own...how can you forgive him? My answer is simple - I have to. ["Forgiveness is not something you do solely for the person who hurt you. It is something you do for yourself, for the sake of your own inner freedom. You forgive so that you can live in the present instead of being stuck in the past. You forgive because your grievances and grudges - even more than hopes and attachments and fears - bind you to old patterns, old identities, and especially to old stories". - Sally Kempton] You have to forgive so you can move on and grow to be a better person. A healthier person, free of all negativity and hate. So next time that cab driver has a foul attitude, put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself, what happened to him earlier to make him so angry? Then try to make him laugh. You will feel good knowing that you changed his whole day around. It’s not just the cab driver - you as a person can do so much good. As my incredibly sweet grandfather would say...Smile, and the world smiles with you...be miserable, and you're miserable alone. Work on what makes you happy. Be selfish in a healthy way. Forgive, for you. It worked for me.
Here are a few Sutras that resonated with me and I wanted to share with you:
"Ignorance is regarding the impermanent as permanent, the impure as pure, the painful and pleasant, and the non-Self as the Self". -The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali
"Deeply painful experiences can create resentment and anger that are held like protective Armor around the heart, constricting your capacity to love". -Swami Ramananda
"Be the Change you want to see in the world". -Gandhi
Also - here is an article that I stumbled across, and it blew me away. If you have the time, read it. I promise you will take something away from it.
http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2547
-Ashley