Now that I’m 30, I can admit that I was dead wrong for the majority of my life.  My teens and 20’s were entirely selfish and crazy.  Oh yeah, you too?  Cool, so we’re kindred spirits perhaps.  So lets talk about it…

The end of my 20’s has been a spasm of unfulfilled expectations.  I was freaking the F*ck out!  It’s like, I’m 30?! I should be married; I should have had one and one half children by now!  I should, I should, I should… I’ve fallen short!  And you know what? Let me steal a Tyra Banks line (am I really quoting Tyra? Lame, but stay with me) and smack my imaginary fat ass and say SO WHAT? 

(thats not my butt in the pic above, im just trying to keep you entertained)

A perfectionist personality will often freak out in situations that serve as benchmarks for “accomplishment”.  Some people (me) really care about things like that.  Again, So What! (booty smack)  I have the right to say and do some wild crap, especially if I get it in right under the BIG 30 death toll date if I want!  Thats called "youthful indiscretion".  I’m just “Do-ing Me!” as Uncle Russ would say…

For the record, and just so I can enter my new adult phase with nothing hanging around my neck as a “definer” of who I am anymore… as far as my blogs on Global Grind go, 90% of what I wrote to date was absolutely meant to amuse and entertain and has nothing at all to do with the boring reality of my life and how I live it.  I live on a farm in the middle of nowhere.  Things aren’t as “balls out” as they are in my writing.  The ability to say crazy stuff that I’ve always wanted to put out there (and to do it unapologetically) has been so much fun for me.  Hopefully it’s been a pleasure for many of you. 

The reality of things hasn’t been nearly as exciting as the dramatic way I’ve laid them down.  I don’t want breast implants and never had plans to get them—(until after I have a few kids and I start looking all National Geographic) I just wanted to write about boobs really really bad.  Someone commented on that blog that she had lost all respect for me and “did I really think I was doing what God wants by getting implants?”  Puzzling indeed!  But, thought provoking.  I never realized God had a strong opinion about breast implants.  Feedback such as hers however has made me really entertained by how nutty ALL of us are, and its made me love this ability to interact with all of you....     

What else?  Oh, here is a good one: There was literally NO BEEF between Julie Henderson and I.  There was no real relationship, other than a good friendship and love of the spirit of another human being between Russell and I.  I think he is amazing and I love him.  He’s been a mentor and a friend.  He thinks I’m crazy and likes my writing style.  Nothing I’ve written has been put out there without his blessing and permission and sometimes his active participation.  I know Julie would say the same. We were just having a pro-wrestling extravaganza for the pleasure of the Internet gossip blog masses—and it brought people to GG (mission accomplished, for the site).  Looking back on it, I regret the whole thing.  Not so much because I don’t think it was very funny, well written, totally insane, and somewhat witty-- but more because when people don’t know that you are just having fun and saying wild stuff they start to really feel hurt or incensed by your comments.  Or, they feel an ownership over you.  Recently on a blog a former “fan” went on a rather disturbing tirade against me.  He made a lot of racially hateful comments (which are WAY different than making provocative racial comments to create dialogue) and it just left me feeling…. What’s the word? ICKY. 
Other than that, back to the controversial blog to have Russell write his blog saying “some of my editors think its OK for bloggers like Katie Rost to call people White, Stringy Haired Bitches is OK…" blah blah blah.  I was like, HUH????? He wrote the blog with me.  He wrote Julie’s with her.  He then wrote his in a way that puts him in the position of some enlightened sage.  I love him.  But that’s total sellout to your friends’ behavior-- and I let him know that.  He read what I wrote before it was published and he thought it was good.  That’s the honest to God truth.    

What else? I have brought up racial issues and irritations in many of my blogs.  The way I’ve discussed these points was intended to be funny.  These issues have long been on the radar in my thinking, but till GG there was not an arena where they could be displayed.  My whole life has been a big bubble of private all White schools, a personal bi-racial upbringing (White dad, Black mom, Jewish, generally WEIRD) that included frustrations from not quite fitting in anywhere.  For example I always marked OTHER on the bubble tests... until applying for college at which point I wrote in BLACK AS HELL, under-privileged!!!!, in desperate need of special consideration! – for the people who don’t see that as funny, its like, I just can’t handle you anymore so please get a damn sense of humor. 

Anyhoo, of late I finally wanted to explore that complicated racial upbringing.  After a decade of modeling, not using my voice, and generally just smiling and shutting he F*ck up, I had some things I needed to say.  So I said them.  Again, So What?!  Its not the entire picture of me and my life, its just a snapshot of one tiny part of one tiny part of one tiny part of my process.  None of my thoughts are valuable to me or important to some self-concept.  It just “is” for a time.  Whatever “it is” gets experienced or expressed and then it dies.  There is no attachment to any of this stuff at all. 

Now to the turning 30 and growth part!:
I now recognize that living without attachment to the story of me is not how the majority of people experience themselves or other people.  The majority of people form a story that explains and defines them self and others and those stories are repeated and defended forever.  That story of “me”, that reputation and that life is supposedly very meaningful and should be crafted in a manner that carefully ensures that one can look back or dissect things and be absolutely comfortable and proud of everything they see.  This is how the world works.  This is not how my world works.  But its silly and immature to not take responsibility for living in the world of other people rather than just in the world as you (he, she me, etc) decides that it is.  I think not being able to recognize that the world outside exists is delusional.  Yes, I’ve spent most of my 20’s and most of the past few months living in my delusions.

On July 7th I turned 30, I was proposed to by the love of my life and my best friend and WE decided to stop being a “hot mess”.  Loving him and taking responsibility for him has made me less selfish.  I've never really had the ability to do that before.

Moving on:

The tone to Global Grind has changed a lot from when I first started blogging.  I went from saying some crazy crap that friends and family and a few others might read and think…. “Ah, I see and understand this verbal vomit because I know Katie’s voice.”  Now GG has a broader (and often meaner) audience that read things literally and isn’t in on the joke or even wishing anyone else (me, you, even themselves) well.  The blessing and curse of the anonymous commenting means that anyone, anytime can say any sort of mean spirited, hateful, defamatory thing and it becomes a verbal lashing that can sometimes be taken as fact.  When I say something nasty, its attributed to me and I am responsible for it.  When some chick, who’s still pissed because I stole her boyfriend in 10th grade, wants to rip me a new one, she can use 10 different names and say crazy, mean things in a million different ways to get at me. 

On a side note, as a nutty girl who “goes there sometimes” I must say that the ability to go there anonymously is cathartic, so I say keep it coming people.  Get as gangster as you need to be :-)

The funny part of that entire shift for an irreverent writer like me who gets kicks from pissing in the face of conformity (in a subversive manner) is that the reaction to my antics is addictive to my ego to a fault.

“Say something bad about me rather than nothing at all” leads an attention junky like moi to go too far almost all of the time.  The inevitable backlash or negativity is part of the creation to all of that “freedom” to say wild sh*t and to “not care” or have general life attachment. That’s a creation that belongs to me, so there is no whining about it.  I’ve learned an awful lot.  I am responsible for every single part of it. 

I’m still going to write.  I’m still going to say crazy things.  I might find a different format to express myself however.  There is a novel brewing in me.  I always knew I’d write my first book at 30.  So here I go….

(Hopefully Russell will write the forward)

Thanks for being a patient friend as I’ve gotten to this point.  Thanks for lending a willing ear and gentle advice when I’m acting like a goddamn idiot.  Thanks to the people who were entertained.  Thanks to the people who criticized me into deciding to show you (and me) that the beginning of my life is today.  Nothing but love and hopefulness is flowing through me.  I send that blessing out to ALL of you.

Happy (belated) Birthday to Me!
Love and Light For ALL of YOU!

- Katie Rost