The Jacksons are at war. For the past couple of weeks, strange and interesting news has been coming out of the Jackson compound as the family has split itself into sections.
Paris, her brothers, TJ Jackson and others have been publicly fighting with Randy, Janet and Jermaine over Katherine Jackson and MJ's estate. Paris even jumped on Twitter and declared that someone will PAY for taking her grandmother. (Insert evil dictator laugh here.)
All this public bickering sparked the most unlikely of people to tell the Jacksons that arguing in public is dumb, and not good for the family. Yep! LaToya Jackson called for the family to stop the public squabble.
But, why stop now?
In fact, we would like to suggest that the family handle things in even more public ways. Public ways that will give the winning side exactly what they want.
What if Paris and Janet headed up a team of Jacksons and headed on a special edition of Fear Factor? The winner would have to go through a list of challenges that include, but are not limited to, destroying an abandoned day care center and eating boiled fermented gorilla snouts!
Another show we'd like to see the Jacksons partake in, is a winner-takes-all edition of Wipe Out! Whichever Jackson has the best ninja acrobatic skills, wins all the contents of MJ's will. Our money would be on Blanket.
If that's not fair, since some of the Jacksons are rather old, we'd like to suggest that they mend their beef by letting the folks of Wife Swap come into their lives. Janet would go live with Prince Michael Jackson, LaToya goes to stay with Blanket, and Paris can ride out with Jermaine and Jermajesty. Maybe after they switch homes for a few weeks, they'll have a better understanding of each other's sides. Or maybe they'll just want to go back to living their lives.
Since a real life version of Celebrity Death Match would be out of the question - considering that the death aspect is much better suited for clay creations rather than real people - we suggest the Jacksons go back on Oprah's Final Chapter and let her settle the score. If anyone can get to the bottom of things, it's Oprah.
If all else fails, there's only one place that all dysfunctional families go to settle their differences. A place where a former mayor plays mediator to brothers and sisters at each others' necks. A place where spoiled little bitches get their day to speak their mind.
The Jerry Springer Show.
What other place would be better for the Jacksons to settle all of their differences? If someone gets slapped, it's OK, Steve will break it up. If someone pulls off a wig and goes HAM, they'll fit right in with everyone else, and if a nipple comes flying out a la the Super Bowl, Jerry Springer has the best blur-the-camera experts money can buy!
So why not head to have a Jackson Reunion on The Jerry Springer Show, they've already made it a circus.
In all seriousness, LaToya was right, the Jacksons do need to stop fighting in public, or they'll risk letting the world know all the family secrets.
So hey Jacksons, word of advice: think twice before you tweet!