Growing up, my mother always told me that in life, in anything that I do, I need to determine my: “line in the sand!” In school, if I got a grade less than what I thought my work product earned, it was up to me to decide whether it was necessary to challenge it; in friendships it was my responsibility to weigh whether it was prudent to keep certain company who could compromise my reputation.
In relationships with men, it was my duty to myself to set a tone, and establish the standard of treatment I would demand, and of course, reciprocate. In all of the above scenarios and others, it always came down to my conscious decision to either deal with something or opt out and keep it moving!
Personally, it’s always been fairly simple for me to call it—decide one way or another, and stick to it! I have challenged a grade or two that were worth fighting for; I did find myself cutting off a girlfriend or two who…to be nice, were just bad news; and, in regard to men that couldn’t grasp the concept of “act right” with respect to the way I should be treated, all I can say is I don’t know you! But not everyone is like me.
For some women, especially when it comes to relationships with men, I find that there’s some blurring of their lines in the sand. To get specific, there are two or three or four particular women I know, who drive me to blog about this topic. To maintain some level of anonymity among these women, I will focus on one, but explain their situations collectively, since they are so similar.
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Let’s call her Callie; I like this name and to me, it’s light and airy enough to illustrate her personality (smile). Callie has been with her boyfriend for several years—like, nine. But, the thing is, because they started dating at nineteen years old, the quality of their nine years together has been full of break-ups and make-ups, immature and petty arguments, and was during a time in which they grew from teenagers into young adults.
Present day, typical; after nine years together, Callie now feels like she’s invested so much of herself into both her boyfriend and their relationship that she doesn’t want to let him go! He loves Callie, but at times, he feels like he never had the chance to wild out and do him because he’s always been with her—and if he did go out with another girl (for example, when they were broken up for a week or two), to say the least, she lit him up! So, dating other people was never really fair game.
So now, they’re at a crossroads in their relationship: she wants the happily ever after life with him; he wants his cake and to eat it too—which now, he does! He loves her and wants to be with her, but he also wants to deal with other women! His confidence in Callie’s love for him is what fuels his superman-like feeling of invincibility. He’s confident that Callie will not leave him, so he does what he wants, when, where and how he wants to do it! Regardless of how disrespectful it may be, he knows he can do whatever and she’ll still be right by his side. Sadly, it’s true. During the course of their relationship, Callie’s self-esteem and self-respect have diminished. Callie’s line in the sand was once, “we don’t cheat on each other; we respect each other.”
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She’s now blurred it into “it’s OK if my man cheats, but don’t let me find out!” She has somewhat come to terms with the fact that she cannot keep him as a boyfriend unless she compromises her feelings and her line in the sand. Through her denial, she chooses to tolerate hi
