Spring is in full swing and it’s time to get your mating ritual on!
The birds are doing it, you can tell by their annoying whistles when you walk your tired ass to the morning train. The cats are doing it, wakin’ up the dead with their love making near your garbage cans at night. The flowers are doing it, tricking those dumb bees into sexing them by proxy. So why not you?
That extra mile you tried to run at the gym? Mating game ritual. Those bright colors you got lined up for Spring/Summer 2011? Mating ritual. The token booth clerk with the stank attitude? She’s doin’ it, too. She’s just insecure because she thinks you don’t like her ass.
But what do you do if you can’t get your body or your mind right? You ain’t got insurance for therapy, much less a prescription for Cialis and you ain’t about to troll Craigslist for pills. ‘Member what happened the last time?
What you can do instead, is break out your food stamp card (stop frontin’ you and your friends have one; it’s the times) or your Visa Debit and head to your supermarket for some supplies that get you in the mood for lurve.
Free tip: Want men to fall for you? Wear cinnamon oil, the scent turns them on.
Above: “Gummy Bear Orgy” By Gloomy Little Cloud.
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You’re with your f**k buddy and things are going south and not in a good way. Get the engine rolling again with a slice or three of watermelon. The phytonutrients in watermelons encourage blood flow by relaxing blood vessels.
“The more we study watermelons, the more we realize just how amazing a fruit it is in providing natural enhancers to the human body,” said Dr. Bhimu Patil, director of Texas A&M’s Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center in College Station.
In watermelon, there are nutrients like “lycopene, beta carotene and the rising star among its phyto-nutrients – citrulline – whose beneficial functions are now being unraveled. Among them is the ability to relax blood vessels, much like Viagra does.”
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In women, dark chocolate works wonders for the libido because it contains high levels of antioxidants, testosterone and other alkaloids that release chemicals in the brain that causes relaxation, mainly serotonin. Combine the scent of dark chocolate with baby powder and a woman will be yours. The baby powder will remind her of children and the scent and/or taste of chocolate will relax and guide her to the bedroom. Subtleties, folks, subtleties.
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Pomegranate has been associated with restoration and spring since Antiquity. The fruit was rumored to be eaten by Persephone, after she was warned by her kidnapper Hades not to eat any while visiting her mother. Her mother, Demeter, had turned the world into a barren wasteland because she missed her daughter. Persephone disobeyed and has since spent half the year in Hell (Winter).
What’s this have to do with sex? Ancient lore has modern practices. The juice of the pomegranate is lush with antioxidants and chemicals that also relax blood vessels, promoting erections.
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Oatmeal is the Draino of human arteries, using chemicals to scrub your arteries of plaque. It helps promote blood to the heart and the rest of your body.
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Saffron is an age old spice from the Far East and Asia. It has been used as a medicine and as a food dye for a millennia. As an anti-deprresant, it is said to work wonders, but only in small doses. In women, the plant’s chemicals affect the neurotransmitters, which help the brain to encourage relaxation and send blood to the erogenous zones.
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Ginseng promotes well being and energy. As a tool for sexual energy, it enhances sexual stamina in males and female. Your partner will not call you a two minute man after a couple sips of ginseng.
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Yohimbe has been the go-to bark for erection dysfunction for years. The trouble with it, is that it can cause problems with your blood pressure. The bark is very similar to Viagra; in fact it operates the same way. Use with caution, as a tea.
