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It’s been a long fashion-depraved summer, and my eyes are starving for beauty, honey. Most notably they are starving for the beauty that is sealed between the pages of fashion magazines’ September issues.

If you’re new to the game of fashion know this: The September issue is the end-all-be-all of all things fashion for the year. Fall fashion happens, the best editorials of the year happen, and you can bet your knock off Manolos that the it-girl of the moment will be snagging the cover.

Not only are the September issues some of the most fashion-fact filled pieces you’ll be able to get your hands, they are also some of the heftiest issues of the year, jam packed with pages and pages of everything we saw walk the runways during Mercedes Benz Fashion Week back in January. Also, consider it your last chance to brush up on all things fashion before gearing up to tackle the real issue of September: Fashion Weeks.

It may seem a bit overwhelming at first, but there will be a lot of pages to read, a lot of covers to discuss, and naturally a lot of seclusion to partake in to be able to absorb all of the aformention, so as your hefty Septemeber issues begin to roll in, allow us to warn you on the stages of excitment, acceptance, and joy that their overwhelming bind will provide you with.

Initially, it all starts out well. Much like the other months you skip with glee when your mailman drops off your Vogue subscription.

You hold the plastic covered magazine in your sweaty palms and think:

You rip the plastic off, and the sweet aroma of the fresh-printed glossy hits your nose and the sensation is something like:

But then it hits you…this is 916, 4.5 pounds of magazine (the actual size of Vogue’s 2012 September issue) to take in! And it actually scares you! So much so that when the other mags start rolling in you relationship with your mailman goes something like this:

Then it dawns on you:

But you quickly come back to your senses. You can absolutely do this! You’ve taken on FaceBook albums with just as many photos!

You get a second boost of confidence, grab a cup of coffee, put your phone on silent and hone in on the task at hand.

Some of the articles teach you things you could have never imagined…

While others seriously have you second guessing the things you have learned to love, like your overpriced shampoo.

Wait, you mean I could wash my face with Honey and I have been buying face wash all along? I can get beach waves without going to the beach? There are 547 ways to orgasm without intercourse?

And then there will always be the pages you just skip over because seriously, be real with yourself, you’re not in the market for some new state of the art botox, so it makes very little sense.

But be very careful not to fall into a state of seclusion while taking in all those pages of glossy goodness.

You’ve almost read them all, and you’re nearing the classified ads on the final pages…

Once you’ve finished, you’ll have a new sense of vixen about you. You’ll know all the beauty tricks and tips, and nobody can tell you anything about life, especially not someone who has bad eyebrows (seriously, ELLE has given us too many tutorials).

So lock it in ladies! Here is to all the conversational knowledge the September issues will bring. You got this.

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