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Conservatives Speak At Values Voters Summit In Washington

It’s almost Halloween and the scariest thing on the block isn’t a movie about the zombie apocalypse. It’s politics and the 113th Congress.

For starters, our country was on the brink of financial collapse. The Republicans were holding us hostage and not giving us our paychecks. It was hurricane season and NOAA employees were furloughed. There was a salmonella breakout and the CDC had their hands tied. Student loan payments were late and Sallie Mae gave zero fucks and still blew up our telephones.

They called all of this a government shutdown and that alone conjured up images of other countries storming in to take over because, hello, no one was allowed to work.

It’s been a scary October. But nothing is scarier than the glitter of politicians…the one that we just can’t seem to get rid of.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex).

In recent weeks, the Tea Party favorite has been making his rounds in the media, dabbling in treason by using the credit worthiness of the U.S. to play petty games, refusing to even try Obamacare, faking filibusters and being a total diva over any and everything.

Look, even Republicans think he’s scary (via the Daily Beast):

Sen. Bob Corker called him “confused.” Karl Rove noted that, “His fellow senators don’t know where he is coming from.” And Republican congressman Peter King—a man known for his warmth and compassion—made it clear that what Cruz is doing is “a form of governmental terrorism.”

But that’s not even scratching the surface. The guy is a total nightmare. Here’s why:

He took the fun out of Green Eggs and Ham for all of us…

He made this face…

Ted Cruz

Ted isn’t even his real name. It’s Rafael Edward. Which means he’s an impostor. STRANGER DANGER!

Negotiations Continue On Capitol Hill One Day Before Debt Limit Deadline

He sometimes sits in Congress and peeks at people like this (because that’s not creepy at all, Ted Cruz…)

Senate Judiciary Cmte Holds Hearing On Comprehensive Immigration Reform

And he freaks the kids out…

Ted Cruz, Christian Activists Hold Rally For Release Of Iranian American Pastor

He’s a liar

ted cruz

He’ll eclipse your whole picture in a photo bomb and it won’t even be funny…just creepy…

US Senate Votes On House Spending Bill

And he clearly gives no fucks and has said he isn’t above shutting down the government again

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) Pulls All Nighter Speaking In Congress Advocating The Defunding Of Affordable Health Care Act

When he’s stressed, he makes this scary face…

US Senate Votes On House Spending Bill

And take it from the Huffington Post…this Businessweek cover will haunt your dreams…

ted cruz business week

If you walk too close to him by accident, he’ll shoot you this terrifying look…

Congress Meets As Government Shutdown Looms

He said this: “I would do anything, and I will continue to do anything, to stop the train wreck that is Obamacare.” Which clearly indicates he is not here for the health of all Americans…

Negotiations Continue On Capitol Hill One Day Before Debt Limit Deadline

(again…no fucks given)

And he likes guns…

ted cruz

This face makes a perfect Halloween mask for 2013…

Negotiations Continue On Capitol Hill One Day Before Debt Limit Deadline

And he breaks the rules…

Despite Progress, Government Shutdown Enters 11th Day

And even his Republican friends are turning on him…which means he’s the worst of their kind…

Conservatives Speak At Values Voters Summit In Washington


And at the end of the day, he and Miley Cyrus alone could be the downfall of this nation. Which is enough to give us all nightmares…


Yep. The man is terrifying. Now tell me The Misadventures Of Senator Cruz wouldn’t make one hell of a scary movie this year. I think we’re on to something here…

PHOTO CREDIT: Getty, Giphy

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