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Today in “Stories From Florida” we have a Florida official who believed the best place to hide his drug paraphernalia was his ass, a woman who decided to ransack an Orlando McDonald’s naked and a man who took desperate measures to make sure he got rid of a bug infestation once and for all.

We can’t make this stuff up.

Wrong Hole:

When police pulled over Carlos Lopez, a Miami city official, in December for driving slowly and speaking to a group of men who ran away when they spotted a patrol car, they discovered he was hiding more than the tin full of drugs found in his car.

A glass meth pipe in his rectum.

During the inspection, police noticed that López had his pants unbuttoned and asked him if he was hiding something, the report said. López initially denied it.

The canine unit officer “began speaking with Lopez at which time Lopez admitted to have a methamphetamine glass pipe inside his anal cavity,” the police report said. “Lopez then stated he placed it in his rectum as he was being pulled over so I wouldn’t find it if I searched his vehicle.”

But get this. Lopez, who was the city’s purchasing director, was not fired. Instead, he was transferred to a leadership post in Public Works. Read about it here…[CBS]

Really Fast Food:

The 41-year-old mother of two who was caught on camera ransacking an Orlando-area McDonalds, eating soft serve straight from the dispenser and destroying a register while wearing only a thong is finally speaking out.

Sandra Suarez, who was arrested and charged with criminal mischief and resisting arrest, is blaming the bizarre rampage on bipolar disorder. A medical examination proved that Suarez was not under the influence of drugs during her McDonald’s spree.

But what really made her upset? According to police, Suarez offered a restaurant worker oral sex in the parking lot of fast food joint and when he rejected, she flipped out.

That’s when she ran through the store throwing equipment and guzzling ice cream. She finished off her rampage with a handful of McDonalds fries. And now, as we write this, a McDonald’s spree for free golden, crispy fries and a McFlurry is sounding pretty genius.

Watch the insane video here…[DailyMail]

Bringing Down The House: 

An Orlando man who was convinced the only way to get rid of the bug infestation in his home and computer was to burn the place to smithereens will not be charged with a crime.

That’s one way to do it.

Officers who checked the apartment after the fire was extinguished discovered “deplorable” living condition, including “trash and empty beer cans covering the majority of the floor in the living area and the kitchen.” The bedroom, where the man started the fire, was filled with more trash and cans.

No other apartments were damaged during the fire. The man was taken to the hospital for smoke inhalation and police filed paperwork to hospitalize him under Florida’s Baker Act as a danger to himself and others. Read about it here…[Gawker]

PHOTO CREDIT: Meth.us.com