There are problems with being a 24-hour news source. Like filling every second of the day with news.
Hey, it’s not always easy. But labeling everything “Breaking News?” Well, that’s one way to keep our attention.
Stage One: Panic
“OMG something terrible has happened!”
“Where is the remote?”
“Turn up the volume!”
“Where in the world is Anderson Cooper today?”
“Remember that song? ‘Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego!'”
“Wait Anderson we can’t hear you! The mic went out!”
“Oh my Jesus, is the world about to end?!”
“I bet he’s about to tell us something really, really terrible.”
“I want my mom.”
Stage 2: The Relief
“Seriously, dude? Like SERIOUSLY?”
“I wasn’t scared anyway. Back to the Food Network. I have to watch Ina Garten make another roasted chicken.”
“But wait. In all seriousness, I wonder what kind of pooch they’ll get…”
“Haha! CNN knows exactly what questions to ask.”
“I wonder if bae will let us get a dog.”
“That’s kind of like a baby though. We’re so not ready for kids.”
“How is the President going to take care of a puppy?”
“OMG what will he even name the puppy!”
“Wait, why is this breaking news again?”
Stage 3: Not Knowing If You Should Panic
“Oh, really CNN? Really? Something bad has happened? Yeah right.”
“Don Lemon, we don’t believe you, you need more people!”
“Wait, something did happen.”
“I really hope everyone is okay.”
(3-hours of continuous breaking news coverage later)
“Okay, I’m well informed and it’s definitely time to panic.”
“I feel a Twitter rant coming on. I’m like, totally a news source. A total media-ist as Hannah would say.”
“Blog time!”
Stage 4: The Breaking News Overdose
“WAIT! There’s a new development! Let me tweet it!”
“Actually…we know this already.”
“And we know that already.”
“And wait, are you saying the same thing over again?”
(1 hour of breaking news coverage later)
“I can literally recite this script of all the things Ashleigh Banfield has reported that we know we don’t actually know.”
“CNN, cut the shit. I’m changing the channel. After this commercial break. Because you know, news might break then.”
(After a commercial break)
“F*ck this sh*t.”
Stage 5: The Over It Stage
“New developments. The plane could be anywhere in the entire ocean on this map that you just showed of the entire Earth.”
“Thanks CNN.”
(Turns off television)
Stage 6: FOMO
“Why is everyone on Twitter talking about ‘Zombie Planes?”
“Wait, why is Jon Stewart throwing all this hilarious shade to CNN about their news coverage tactics?”
“Wait, did I miss a new development?”
(Turns to CNN)
“OMG a zombie plane! The plane was full of zombies?!”
“Wait, no, that’s not possible.”
“Wait, is it?”
“What does this all even mean!?”
“Did they just bring a psychic on this segment to explain?”
“Is CNN really entertaining the fact that the supernatural occurred?”
“Is this The Onion in television form?”
“I can’t and I won’t…but I will because I will not be left out of this conversation on Twitter.”
Stage 7: The Realization
“More breaking news, huh CNN?”
“Why do I even waste my time when I have Twitter?”
“Oh yeah, that’s right…Anderson Cooper. Tell me more about this breaking news that’s not really breaking but you’ll run all night like it’s the newest discovery known to mankind. I’m listening…”
“Oh sh*t! MA, THERE’S BREAKING NEWS!”
PHOTO CREDIT: Screengrab, Getty, Giphy
