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While the E! series The Girls Next Door made living in the Playboy Mansion seem like a dream, Holly Madison‘s new tell-all memoir, Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny, paints a totally different picture. Holly withholds no details as she talks about the emotional and verbal abuse she endured while living behind the iron gates of the Playboy Mansion as one of Hugh Hefner‘s girlfriends.

The memoir is expected on June 23rd, but Madison released some exclusive excerpts to Us Weekly for the cover story of their latest issue. Since the 35-year-old never signed a non-disclosure agreement, Down the Rabbit Hole chronicles her entire time in the mansion, starting with the moment she first met Hefner in August 2001.

“‘Would you like a Quaalude?’ Hef asked, leaning toward me with a bunch of large horse pills in his hands, held together by a crumpled tissue.”

Madison refused the drugs, but Hefner seemed unbothered by her response.

“Hef did not miss a beat: ‘Okay, that’s good,’ he said, nonchalantly. ‘Usually, I don’t approve of drugs, but you know, in the ‘70s they used to call these pills thigh openers.’”

Despite their first meeting, Holly spent that night at the mansion and eventually moved in a few weeks later. Once inside, she realized how hostile the environment was. The girls’ loyalties changed often thanks to the manipulation of Hefner, who controlled everything down to the way they looked. In the excerpts, Madison discusses the abuse she received when she dared to cut her hair or wear red lipstick. As Us Weekly reports:

“I learned Hef was the manipulator and that he pitted us against one another,” she noted. “I realized I wasn’t treated well. I’m done being afraid of people. I don’t have any loyalty to Hef. I haven’t talked to him in four years, so there’s no reason to reach out now. Besides, it’s the truth.”

Once Madison finally worked up the courage to leave the toxic environment, Hefner had one final ploy he believed would keep her in his world.

“It was there, in black and white,” she wrote. “The will stated that $3,000,000 would be bestowed to Holly Madison at the time of his death (provided I still lived in the Mansion). At the time, it was more money than I’d ever know what to do with… But I didn’t want it. I actually pitied him for stooping to that level. I couldn’t help but be offended. Did he really think he could buy me? I put the folder back on the bed just as I had found it and never breathed a word of it.”

Now a mother of a two-year-old girl and wife to businessman Pasquale Rotella, Holly felt it was finally time to tell share her story. It is her hope that her daughter will read her book one day.

“I want her to understand why I made the choices I made,” Madison told Us. “And hopefully learn from them and not make stupid mistakes herself.”

SOURCE: Us Weekly | PHOTO CREDIT: Twitter