I know what you’re thinking. You’re assuming that because the media has coined Kevin Federline as a douchebag and he’s a product of hip hop, he’s cornered the market on professional douchery. I beg to differ!
The fact is, there are hundreds, no hundreds of thousands of hip hop douchebags who make K Fed look like Common. There’s probably a bunch of people reading this post right now who qualify.
Whether you know it or not, there are telling signs that indicate if you’re a hip hop douchebag. Below is seven of them that I’d like to share with you. Feel free to add on to the list, if we can help just one person out there we win.
1. You wear a blinking bluetooth headset in the club.
Why people do this, is an absolute mystery. There’s music blasting, people talking and glasses clinking. Who in this dimension would be able to hear your simple ass? Perhaps the flashing blue light was mistaken for a primal mating signal? Doubt it. Nonetheless, these folks exist and look like freshly hatched idiots while doing so.
2. You wear a fitted with a blazer to show you’re corporate but ‘still down’.
It was pretty cool when Russell Simmons and Diddy did it about a decade ago but now it just looks like a uniform for sheisters.
3. You always try to impress people by saying that you’re ‘doing big things’ or ‘I do things big’.
Don’t ever feel like you’re knocking someone’s hustle when you call them out on this load of pigeon crap. Chances are the only hustle they’ve got is trying to get laid or paid for running their yap.
4. You take photos talking on a cell phone.
Can anyone even honestly say that this was cool at one point? Ok, I get it, you’re important because at the exact moment someone was taking a picture, you just happened to be on a unavoidable business call…with your mom.
5. You refer to your fake designer clothing as ‘exclusive’
Once on the subway, I saw a guy wearing a pair of the red Kanye x Louis Vuitton collaboration sneakers. For the entire ride, this douchington went on and on about how exclusive his gear was and how he doesn’t buy anything for less than a G. Now matter how rich you are, no one is going to wear a pair of $3k kicks on a dirty subway train.
6. You claim to know celebrities but you’ve only got a hug or a pound in passing.
You’ve seen the countless photos of your favorite hip hop douchebag and a celebrity. Them clutching the celeb’s hand in a death grip trying to look like they were cellmates at one time. One can usually gauge the level of familiarity between the two by the half-smile to grimace on the celebrity’s face. Even better is when the douchebag in question claims to have a direct number to a celebrity when in fact it’s an old cell number to the celeb’s cousin’s baby mother’s friend from church.
7. Holding up a chain and pendant.
I personally blame Master P and Cash Money for starting this trend that has since been adopted by every walking bottle of Summer’s Eve in the hip hop community. The only time anyone should ‘show they chain’ is if their chain is worth looking at. T-Pain’s ‘Big Ass Chain’ was entertaining, Rick Ross’ caricature pendant was funny and 50 Cent’s spinning ‘G-Unit’ plate is a classic. However, a miniature pendant of your initials in Helvetica Bold on a think herringbone does not make you fresh. It makes you a fool.
-The Blackspot
