You’re probably judging me right now. It’s OK, because I’m judging me, too. Yes, I downloaded, played (and hacked) the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood game. Because research.
Because why else would someone with any sense (see: a life) waste phone space and brain cells to play a game where the only objective is to climb the social ladder by gaining fans from doing absolutely nothing but going on dates, doing photoshoots, and walking in fashion shows? Boredom, perhaps.
The premise is simple. It’s literally everything that I just described. So when I first found out about it, I scoffed, as do most people who love to hate all things Kardashian (with the exception of that precious little angel Kanye put into Kim’s ultrasound, North. And I should probably admit that I am not one of those people who love to hate all things Kardashian. I actually like them quite a lot. You’re judging me again. I know).
But after seeing all the buzz about it on the interwebz, or more specifically, how it’s raking in about a bajillion dollars a day, I decided to download it. Again, because research, and not at all because I was suffering from a severe case of the boreds.
When I first started the game last Thursday, I was at the bottom of the barrel. The scum beneath Kim’s favorite Hermes heels. An E-List nobody who worked at a downtown L.A. boutique—which I now own—when in walks Kim—who is now my virtual bestie—and sees that I have that it-factor about me. Some real star quality. Pretty soon after that, I’ve got an agent named Simon and my first modeling gig. And just like that, I was hooked.
Working my way up the ranks wasn’t easy, though. It took me days to become a D-Lister, and my patience was wearing thin. I wanted to unlock new destinations to jet-set to and new clothes that are mostly inspired by ones
Kanye picked out for worn by Kim in real life. In order to do that, I’d have to do more modeling, book more club appearances, land more acting roles. And in order to do that, I had to have more energy. And, boy, were those little blue lightning bolts hard to come by. I also had to have more K Stars to charm the leather pants off those ranked higher than me and more money to splurge on ensembles that’d get me noticed by the paparazzi that were sometimes tipped off to my location by Maria, my publicist.
I was desperate for more. I couldn’t wait hours for my energy to be completely restored. There was no way I’d spend any real money to buy it. So, what did I do? I hacked the game. How I did it, I won’t tell you. Do your Googles. Figure it out for yourself. A few downloads later (and after having to restart and lose all of the progress I made), I was, in the words of NeNe Leakes, very rich, bitch, and my cup runneth over with an unlimited amount of dolla dolla bills, K Stars, and energy. There was no stopping me.
Seriously. There was no stopping me. After hacking the game, I wanted to see what other experiences it had to offer and how quickly I could win it by becoming an A-List star. Much to my dismay, there weren’t too many other experiences to be had aside from taking down my mean-girl nemesis Willow Pope, who may or may not have been inspired by Paris Hilton, being berated (and later celebrated) by one of the top designers of the world (see: game) who may or may not have been (see: definitely) inspired by Anna Wintour, and attending Paris Fashion Week with Kim, who throughout the game offers a lot of sound advice and hand hugs (see: ???!).
I did it all, but at the same time, did nothing at all. See, my character just stands there and does really nothing else during gameplay, well, besides sit at a dinner table during dates, run her fingers through her luxurious hair, and check her mani for any chips. I, on the other hand, strengthened my thumbs by feverishly tapping away at the screen to complete tasks.
*tap tap tap* More money. *tap tap tap* More K Stars. It took me one day and the loss of feeling in my hands to rise to the tippy top of stardom at Level 20 with 87.5 million fans, the max amount the game allows.
Of course, I didn’t mean to spend a whole day doing this. In fact, I had plans to go to the museum, eat at a new restaurant, and other things that would enhance my cultural well-being. But once I started Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, I couldn’t stop, and before I knew it, minutes turned into hours, and hours into pretty much my entire weekend. Each time I leveled up, I kept thinking, There’s got to be something more. But nope, there wasn’t. There wasn’t anything but sadness.
My Rating: 0/10. Would not recommend. Seriously. Go outside. Go read a book. Do anything, ANYTHING, beside play thi—Hold on, I have to take this call. Sorry, that was Simon–I have to hop on the next flight to Paris to shoot the cover of Femme magazine! Ta ta! *hand hug*