As a college graduate, I can tell you that school is completely overrated.
The thing is, a dude like me, who’s completely average in all functions of life (other than looking swaggy as f*ck) needs school. Me no very smart, so going to school and eventually graduating college was the only thing that saved me from a lifetime of exterminating sh*t.
Young, beautiful and extraordinarily talented Olympic gold medalist Gabby Douglas doesn’t have this problem. Through a combination of years of hard work, and fairy dust that God sprinkled on her when she was a baby, the 16-year-old has proven herself as being one of the three or four best gymnasts in the world (with Aly Raisman, the little Russian with the crazy eyes and salty-ass Jordyn Wieber.)
Baby girl is special in a way that only .000000001 of people who’ve ever existed on this planet would understand.
Earlier today, TMZ reported that Spelman College, the number one ranked historically black college in the United States, was trying to do all these sweet things to get Gabby to come to attend their prestigious school in another two years, or so. The college’s president, Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, flew out to London to give Gabby some t-shirts, CDs, stickers and other freebies that no one really wants.
Decision time is coming for Ms. Gabby: when the young girl graduates high school (she’s home-schooled) what should she do next?
Gabby, this is to you. I tell you this as friend who admires your skill-set and the way you’ve handled yourself through black Twitter’s savage, but funny, attack on your hair: You take that basket full of muffins and CDs, say thank you and you get the f*ck away from that lady. Spelman is a fine school, I’m sure, but it’s time for you to get paid.
You take that delicious Corn Flakes money, you go on that 40-day Kellogg’s Tour (which, as a man, sounds as fun as death) and sit back and collect that $10 million dollars in endorsement money you got coming. The next four years of your life is going to be full of store openings, commercials, photo shoots, etc. Don’t let a night of 100-level Spanish kill all of that.
To make things worse, if you try to join a college’s gymnastics team, you won’t be able to collect all that wonderful endorsement money you have coming to you. F*CK THAT.
Here’s the thing you have to understand, Gabby. It’s all been pretty much downhill since that wonderful moment they threw that gold medal over your head, when you won the Women’s All-Around competition. Gymnastics isn’t the most fruitful career out there. Really, Olympics is the top of the hill. And considering that most Gymnasts don’t compete in the Olympians again (Dominique Dawes, who competed in the ’92, ’96 and 2000, is really the most notable name to do it) you have to capitalize on the wealth the two medals you won this year will provide.
School can come later Gabby. You’re special, so suck this wonderful well until it’s dry.
Twitter with me @Milkman__Dead