I’ve hit men.
I’ve thrown punches, destroyed property. Once I carved “c*cksucker” into the front door of a boyfriends apartment door when a dramatic fight ensued after I caught him cheating. I was 16 and “spirited” at the time. His parents were not too pleased when we ended up getting back together.
The door was repainted, but from a certain angle you could still sort of see the writing. A few months after my door-carving extravaganza, He caught me hanging out with a guy he didn’t like, and accused ME of cheating. We got into an epic fight that ended with him slashing all four of the tires on my car. There was something toxic about our combination.
In 2004, I was dating someone who was great at getting me fired up. We had a passionate emotional charge for each other. After we’d hit a power/control zone that was making us both miserable, he disappeared for a few weeks on a “boys trip” to St. Tropez. Upon his return I went on a hunt for evidence of cheating on his computer, found it quickly and easily…. Stormed into my bedroom where he was just waking and threw his laptop at his head.
It partially hit him and completely hit the wall behind him. I then turned into a human helicopter–kicking and flailing my arms. Eventually I locked myself in the bathroom for a few hours, hoping he didn’t bust down the door and beat my ass…
Why have I kept it totally real with you today about my behaviour? All of that was a disclaimer so that I can speak with no fear of hypocrisy about violence and awareness.
I know for sure that violent people and violent situations don’t necessarily mean something lacks an essence of love. It’s more that human beings lack an essence of awareness. It sounds so good when Oprah and Tyra say things like “Love doesn’t hurt”. I understand what their intention is and the message is true and one that needs to be spread! But, “Love doesn’t hurt” doesn’t mean anything without knowing the nature of love.
Once you have the awareness to understand the difference between passion, emotion, fear and love– you choose your actions with an understanding of how they reverberate throughout the Universe.
But if you don’t know…. You just don’t know.
Once you do know, you can look at it and see yourself in those moments for what you are: Someone living without consciousness and awareness of their creation.
I know that the crazy girl named Katie who was kicking, screaming, throwing things and being violent belongs to me and exists in me. I also know I have a lot of compassion for how clueless she was. My distance from it is like a mother looking at a child learning to walk. In those moments of violence I was fearful, unconscious and unaware. I could not know that I was unaware unless I’d learned the lesson of awareness. I learn nothing by judging it and no one else really has the right to judge it for me. We are all on spiritual journeys and we are learning essential lessons about the nature of God and creation along our path.
If your intention is to learn the lesson rather than just covering things up or getting away with something than the first step is to ask God to work with you and have a relationship with you as you challenge your unconsciousness.
Watch what starts to happen! As you’re being led through the lesson things will start to be mystical. Nothing is a straight shot and literal. Through your journey to awareness check yourself every time the
