To The Sweetest Bajan Beauty,
You need to call me – ASAP.
I heard through the grapevine that you linked up with Terry Richardson to do one of those cool photo shoots, where you know, celebrities do cool shit, like get naked and rock out.
PHOTOS: Rihanna’s Sweet & Sexy Shoot With Terry Richardson
I got super excited to learn this morning that your photos from the Terry Richardson shoot had hit the ‘net.
So I immediately hopped up, wiped the sleep out of my eyes, and turned on my computer faster than black people line up for Jordan Concords.
And there you were – more perfect than those tasty parfaits at Pinkberry.
As I clicked slowly through each photo, I wondered, “Where are all the naked pictures of RiRi?”
Where is the cake? Where is the inappropriateness? Where are the toys?
Before you read any more, let me just be very clear: you looked absolutely beautiful and quite classy, but I (along with the world) wanted to see “BAD GAL RIRI.”
PHOTOS: Rihanna Rocks Python For the 2012 Met Gala
You know the badass Bajan girl who does wild shit like break up weed on her bodyguard’s head and tattoos thug life on her knuckles?
The one who smokes blunts with old g’s like Snoop Dogg and Warren G and curses out her haters via Twitter if they get out of line.
Yeah, that girl!
We needed more cake, cake, cake, cake! The world needed more tits!
We even could have benefited from a glimpse of camel toe – anything!
Now, I’m not telling you to get butt booty ass naked with Terry Richardson’s face near your vagina, but you get my drift.
I just wanted more.
Let me not dwell on what I can’t change, but I have compiled a quick list of a few things I would love for you to continue to do:
Show Us More Cake: You have the best Bajan booty any little West Indian girl could ask for! Let that bitch breathe!
Show Us More Tits: You undoubtedly have the best small titties in all of Tinseltown hands down!
Take More Inappropriate Pictures: You have the best Instagram in the whole wide world all because of your young, wild, and free pics.
Smoke More Weed: It’s been shown that weed slows down the growth of cancer, eases migraines, stops seizures (just in case you do another “All of the Lights” inspired video with Kanye), and it stops those pesky menstrual cramps.
Give A Fuck-Less: Give absolutely no fucks when you live day-to-day. I mean, not even one ounce of fuckery. Not even an atom worth of fucks. I’m telling you your life would be easier than getting into community college.
Now you totally don’t have to do all of the things I have requested, but requests one through three would be absolutely great!
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only fan who wanted to see a little more ass and titties, but I’m just the craziest one to actually write you an open letter requesting so.
Thanks for being so trill! Keep swagging on these hoes. Remember to get Rated R on dat ass. And most importantly, Talk That Talk.
Signed The Best Friend You Never Met,
P.S. Keep being the baddest bitch of all the land!
Brittany Lewis is the Music Editor at GlobalGrind and a Howard University Alumna. Brittany considers herself seasoned on all the pop culture ish that matters. Make sure you follow her on Twitter @Buttercup_B.
