The Universal Mind has given me an eye to some exciting and shocking certainties for the coming year. I’m going to share the most profound with you….
In 2009 I predict that:
1. Oprah Winfrey will lose weight and then gain weight and then ‘understand the underlying issue’ of her yo-yoing weight problem. She will do a three part series disecting it all on her show. Her new revelation will not only be explained by her in rather intricate detail it will also be supported by the head nodding of her cook and alot of high-fives and ‘You finally got it girl!’ from her trainer.
2. Barack Obama will not be able to stop himself from smacking Michelle’s ass on camera, with a bit more force than usual and with a big grin on his face that seems to scream: “Who’s the MotherF**king President?!”. We will be shocked as a nation when CNN announces that Barack was in fact mic-ed up at the time and though he said it very quietly he did indeed say: ‘Who’s the MotherF*cking President, B*tch!’. He will then apologize for his off-color and possibly offensive remark. He will meet with Jessie Jackson and they will consult with spiritual leaders in an effort to understand why the internal dialogue seems always seep out. He will proclaim himself to not be a mysogynist, just a typical everyday guy caught up in the excitement of having a smoking hot wife and total control of the free world.
3. Katie Rost will increase her breast size by two full cup sizes and will no longer be accused of looking like a 14 year old. She will lie and say she just ‘developed later in life’ and is just as baffled by the obvious buoyancy and growth of her breasts as everybody else.
4. Someone reading this will have a pregnancy scare and will waste tons of money on home tests and should just go ahead and buy the 10-in-one test box from Sam’s and not try to cheap out on the CVS version.
5. DMX will spend time most of the year in jail.
6. Russell Simmons will date someone “young” and “hot”.
7. You will make global grind your homepage.
8. Mariah Carey will get knocked up and have a ridiculously good looking set of twins and will sell her pics to a major magazine for a ton of money but her husband will barely be featured in the pics at all. It will be all Mariah and babies and possible a glimpse of Nick’s hand and nothing more.
9. A startling number of celebrities will come out with their own clothing lines and sex tapes, and we will be total suckers for it ALL.
10. Life will be magical, the world will be a better place and though our country will be struggling economically we will be richer in spirit and more confident in our future than ever before.
Happy Happy New Year!
-Katie Rost
