By now you’ve heard that Kris Humphries got posterized by Kobe Bryant last night. You’ve also probably heard that his obsession with prolonging his divorce from Kim Kardashian is putting KimYe’s baby at risk.
DETAILS: Doctors Say KimYe’s Baby At Risk Due To High Stress Levels
What you’ve probably not heard or cared about is that today is Kris Humphries’ birthday.
While we don’t have any big booty hos for the Brooklyn Nets big man, we do have something better:
10 super duper amazing tips to help Kris move on from Kim Kardashian.
I can understand Kris’s need to hold onto Kim, she’s a bad chick. I empathize that he feels wronged, played and probably a little like a circus clown. Those things happen when couples break up.
But there comes a time when you have to move on. Now is that time Kris, so here are a few tips…
They say money over women, so maybe Kris Humphries should take the money Kim offered him and go buy a villa on the planet of Brooklyn and open a Sal’s Pizza.
Crash the boards. Nothing helps a man get over a woman like a rebound chick, and we know ain’t nothing like a Brooklyn girl. Preferably one who is giving Kim a run for her money back there.
Kris is already considered a jerk and a douche, so why not try to hit on Lamar Odom’s baby mother? They were already trying to hook her up with him on Starter Wives. That would make for an interesting visitation day, for sure.
Buy a game of Connect Four. Brush up on skills by challenging everyone he can get to play him, and once he’s a Connect Four master, challenge Kanye West to a dual… Winner gets Kim Kardashian. Boom!
He needs to drop his lawsuit against Kim, and sue Kobe Bryant for his manhood back.
No seriously! Did you see that dunk? Get your manhood back, homie!
If he’s really lonely, he should join Match.com and make his profile name BigHumpVadarInBK.
Once his profile is completed, Kris should post a bunch of pictures with himself having a tea party with a bunch of goats.
If he needs something to keep busy, why not start a sneaker collection? Yes.
Plant a tree in Brooklyn, then watch it grow.
Finally, if all else fails, find a nice young lady and enjoy your birthday! Happy Birthday Kris.
