It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
That’s right, Thanksgiving and Christmas season. That means gifts, family, fellowship and most importantly, food feasts.
But do us a favor — let’s not ruin that with less than appetizing photos of your dry ass turkey with a lo-fi filter slapped over it, please?
We’ve noticed something pretty alarming over the past year. Social media users will take 32 pictures to get the right selfie, but do not have enough patience to give the food that sustains them the proper amount of time and respect that it needs to be fully appreciated.
Why is this an acceptable way to plate your food and share it with the world? If there was ever an offender of food posts, it’s this person. The portions are wrong. The food is dry. And my God, the paper plate!
So, to prepare you for the holidays (and save you from ridicule on this page), we’ve decided to give you a few pointers to posting food on the internet. And no, we don’t expect you to be the Barefoot Contessa out here. We just want to make sure you’re not ruining a universally great experience — eating — for all of us.
1. If it has Kraft Singles, it’s no good:
No, Cocothemodel. You don’t cook. You are a cheat. And Kraft Singles are not real. They can’t be, they hardly even melt! Save yourself the trouble and keep the singles for the ham sandwich. And please, don’t Instagram that mediocrity either.
2. If you’re eating it off of a paper plate, we don’t want to see it:
We get it. Nobody likes to wash dishes. But in the case that you’re going to post spaghetti noodles with just a dollop of sauce on top, please use a plate that will break when thrown on the ground. Maybe it will help this struggle meal look a little better. Styrofoam is bad for the environment anyway. And paper plates kill trees. Be one with the earth…or just keep your throwaway dishes out of sight. We’re grown ups now. Time to get classy. *Exception to this rule: BBQ’s. Other than that just stop. Now*
3. Clean Eating…NOT!
Believe us, we are so happy that you started your diet. But you need help. This is not diet food. And we’re not sure if it’s edible. Don’t play yourself.
4. If you’re concerned it looks like shit, it probably does:
That’s dookie. You can’t convince us otherwise.
5. Same goes for vomit:
We’re pretty sure this is Tex-Mex the second time around. And do we spy Kraft Singles?
6. Portion size is everything:
What makes a great photograph? Proportions. And these are all wrong. So is “dinnuh.” But do you, boo.
7. If it can’t be identified, leave it alone:
We can’t if it looks like mitochondria. It’s not working. Please post things that are recognizable and delicious. Or stay off the ‘grams.
8. Don’t be overtly gross:
There is no way in hell either one of these dishes tastes good or is well-balanced. Hot Cheetos should be reserved for the bag they came in. And ramen noodles with toothpaste and hotdogs? Now you’re just being a troll, bad chef.
9. Don’t be Martha Stewart:
She’s Martha Stewart and she’s the perfect domestic princess, but when it comes to using her camera to capture tasty treats, she sucks big time. It is clear the chef that served her this “French onion soup” just had the shits in her bowl. And sadly, poor Martha isn’t a first time offender. So, we’ll use her as an example.
10. Lighting is everything:
This was another one of Martha’s Twitter posts. And with that washed out light, we can’t tell what this creation is. Maybe a Hefe filter would have brightened things up a bit, brought out the true colors. Because…damn.
11. And again…LIGHTING IS EVERYTHING! Also, if it’s all the same color, we don’t want it:
Martha Stewart is proof — just because something is plated beautifully, doesn’t mean it’s appetizing. Especially when it’s all the same color and it isn’t supposed to be. Maybe it’s the lighting. Maybe she just needed a flash. But remember, we eat just as much with our eyes as we do our mouths or stomachs. Be nice to your food. Make it look as attractive as you do in the multitude of selfies on your page.
BONUS: If your turkey looks like this on Thanksgiving…delete your Instagram account:
We are done with you.