Today is Columbus Day, which probably doesn’t mean anything to you, except if you have the day off. (We at least hope you are getting time-and-a-half, pals.)
So why does Columbus Day exist? It’s the legend, people. And legend is the best way to describe it because it damn sure isn’t factual.
For fun, here is what our first grade teacher told us about Christopher Columbus: In 1492, Columbus set sale, looking for a new route to the East Indies. He also wanted to prove that the Earth was round, not flat. The trip was long and brutal, and there were threats of mutiny from Columbus’ crew if they didn’t find land within the next two days. They found North America the next day, where they bumped into some friendly Native Americans. No one got massacred or raped. In fact, they got along smashingly. And by 1792 we are saluting Columbus annually.
Yeah, so at this point you probably know most of this ain’t true, but whatever — DAY OFF.
Teachers love to use the word “discovered” when describing Chris. Yeah. That’s a funny word, because, really, Columbus didn’t “discover” shit. Even if you accept the story you learned in the first grade as gospel, dude bumped into land that was already inhabited by people.
That’s not “discovering.”
So, to poke some fun at the OG and his completely legit holiday, here are some modern day examples of us “discovering” things. . .like Christopher Columbus.
That time we “discovered” how to search things by image, by using Google Image on Google:
The time we “discovered” that ol’ boy who played Miley Cyrus’ teenage brother on Hannah Montana was in his 30s when the show started. Miley was 15:
The time that we “discovered” that Timbaland just pressed record over another dude’s song when creating the “Picasso Baby” beat for Jay Z:
The time that we “discovered” that Uma Thurman’s Mia Wallace character described the premise for Kill Bill in Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction was released in 1994, Kill Bill in 2003.
The time we “discovered” how to look at pictures of people that we aren’t friends with on Facebook:
The time we “discovered” how to correctly open up a banana:
The time we “discovered” how to put videos we recorded in slow motion on our iPhone 5S on to our Instagram. (Hint: Just email it to yourself and save it on your phones, pals.)
The time we “discovered” that not only didn’t Christopher Columbus “discover” America but he NEVER ACTUALLY SET FOOT ON NORTH AMERICA.
Huh.
HAPPY DAY OFF, FOLKS!
