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Unless you’re Blue Ivy Carter and your parents can literally shut down an entire bird sanctuary at the Miami Zoo for your viewing pleasure, a menagerie is actually the worst place in the world to go for a field trip.

Need proof? Polar bears don’t belong in Brazil, every species of animal shouldn’t be cooped up in one central area, it smells and this is not Noah’s Arc.

And at the end of the day…Sea World. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

[insert emotional plea for readers to stop supporting Sea World and to seriously sit down and watch Blackfish. Then and only then will you understand how torturous that shit is].

But seriously, where is the fun in going to observe a bunch of animals being held captive? Are humans not like, the worst?

And aside from captivity (which is the biggest gripe of all), the zoo is just a terrible place to be…

Especially if you have allergies…


Yes, I’d love a side of fur with my fries.

Or if the image of this monkey with a serious case of wanderlust is tugging at your heart-strings…

National Zoo Orangutans Have Fun With Park Visitors

Or if you want to see wild animals with nothing else to do but this…


Just chilling. In my small, unnatural habitat…

And it’s the worst when you have to see grizzlies who just want to hunt wild salmon settle for boxed Christmas-themed treats.

Tarongas Animals Receive Christmas Treats

Like, dude. What exactly am I supposed to do with this?

Or watch a scene from Dumbo IRL…

Safari Park Sends Young Male Elephants Abroad

Srsly guise, c’mon. Did Dumbo’s story not scar us enough?

And it’s really scary for humanity when the animals become aware…


And shit like this starts happening…




The frustration is real…


And zoos are totally the worst because sooner or later, humans are going blame these incidents on the animals…


As if they chose this existence full of annoying kids, paparazzo parents and environments they’re not indigenous to…

National Zoo Orangutans Have Fun With Park Visitors

Only Kim K. and Kanye understand.

Animals like him shouldn’t live way below the equator…


And animals aside, why is there so much walking?!

Berlin Draws Summer Tourists

Isn’t this supposed to be fun?

And why is there always an exhibit closed?

Washington's National Zoo Reveals Preliminary Findings In Death Of Baby Panda

I came here specifically for Bao Bao the baby panda. You’re crushing dreams, man. Ruining lives.

And whose idea was it to make a bird house?


Worst. Nightmare.

And..smells. All the smells.


Yeah, we feel you son.

Also, somewhere in the world, someone’s trying to dupe you into thinking this dog is a lion…


Really China…really?

And another zoo thinks this is an appropriate habitat for penguins…


Misinformation is the worst…

And inevitably, you have to pass the gift shops and everyone gets excited for overpriced stuffed animals, coffee cups and visors…

Visitors Flock To See Smithsonian Zoo's Newest Panda Cub

Seriously lady, how much panda merch do you need in your life?

And you suddenly realize all this money is going to the machine keeping these poor animals locked up…


And it makes you think that you wouldn’t be mad if this was happening down at the penguin exhibit right this moment…


So in the end…just don’t go to the zoo. It makes you think bad thoughts (we hope Jessica Alba is OK). And you’ll be disappointed in humanity.




PHOTO CREDIT: Giphy, Getty, Twitter

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