If you have a smart phone I’m willing to bet that either you or someone you know is on Tinder. If for some strange reason you’re one of those people who only watch old episodes of Good Times and Brandy Bunch on TV and you don’t know a s0ul with Tinder, then I guess I’ll explain what it is.
Tinder is a mobile app that allows you to converse and meet random folks in your area, and the attraction is all based on a few quotes and their picture. But it’s really mainly just their picture. If they’re hot you swipe their pic one way and if you’re not interested/attracted to them you swipe the other way, and they’re gone forever. When I don’t like a person I like to swipe really slow so I can see the word nope appear on their forehead.
So yeah, that’s what Tinder is all about. I’m cool enough to admit I am a member of Tinder. In fact, I’m cool enough to admit that I’ve actually met a few women using the app, and three of those ladies have been absolutely nuts!
Lady Number 1:
I met her in New York City, Times Square to be exact on a day that was cold enough to make your tongue stick to a pole, but not cold enough to make you want to crawl up under the covers and not move until June. We met on the street I greeted her with a hug, she grabbed my hand and we began to walk to our destination. Now at first I didn’t anything of it. We ate dinner, had a great conversation and proceeded to walk to another place. She grabbed my arm and we walked down the street, interlocked like a barrel of monkeys.
At first it was cool, until she wanted to hold hands on a day it was colder than Santa’s nose outside. I wanted to stick my hands in my pocket and power walk through the streets of New York because they were polluted with people as it was Super Bowl weekend. She demanded we hold hands. “No you have to hold my hand it’s a requirement.” She was walking slow, it was cold, we were holding hands and I hadn’t made up my mind if I liked her yet.
I had enough.
I let go and said we need to walk faster. She stood there in the middle of the block like a deer caught in headlights. She didn’t move. I turned around and started a staring contest. I had to put my foot down. I didn’t want to hold hands I felt violated forced to engage in boyfriend/girlfriend behaviour with a girl I hardly even knew.
After 5 minutes, or more like 15 seconds that felt like 5 minutes, I turned around and kept walking. She turned around and went home, I never saw her again. To my credit I told her I wanted to take things slow.
Lady Number 2:
Its like the women I’m meeting on Tinder just keep getting more strange. This girl, I didn’t really want to meet but during my travels I got bored and found a match on the app. So during one night with nothing to do and not feeling like staying in my room we decided to meet up. She was cool, she had very long hair and she laughed at my jokes. I don’t need much. We talked on the phone and sent each other text messages for a day and when we met. It was like I met one of the girls from BAPS.
Don’t get me wrong, the girl was nice, but she didn’t have all of her marbles. We went out to a very nice, rather upscale spot to eat and drink and she proceeded to act like she had never been out on a nice date before. Think of those Vines.
She acted a fool.
The following phrases came out of her mouth, “Can I steal these glasses?” “Regular Hennessy” “Can I steal this vase?” “I’m an alcoholic” “My brother bought a Natty Ice at 10am” and “If we do that, I’m going to stalk you.”
Maybe she was playing… But I didn’t want to take my chances, I faked like I was tired and ended the date faster than mugg.
Lady Number 3:
I actually never met her. In fact I forgot about her. I have a habit of getting matches on Tinder and never sending them a message. But this lady sent me a message first. We began to talk and eventually exchanged numbers. It started with a few text messages and then a phone call. She cursed a lot, but I figured it was a New York thing. One day during a phone conversation she told me she wanted to get to know me before hoping on my “ManXilla” and letting me screw her brains out.
Then one day after I didn’t call her, or text her or something, she called me, cursed a lot said the F word a lot of times. I was impressed. I thought she was a bit guano crazy.
So not really caring I quoted John Mayer, jokingly. Bad idea, she flipped out cursing even more, threatening me, and texting me until about 2 am. It was the strangest thing I ever experienced. I never even met her in person.
But I haven’t given up on Tinder yet. I will never learn.
Xilla is the Sr. Entertainment Editor for GlobalGrind.com as well as CEO of the number 1 relationship blog BlogXilla.com/M2TB.com. He has been featured in XXL, The Source, Essence, LA Times and is considered one of the premiere bloggers in the industry. Follow him on twitter @BlogXilla