Admit it: you’re an American who doesn’t know much about soccer.
And, usually, that’s OK. However, there’s this little tournament — which comes up every four years, or so — called the World Cup, starting today. Expect to hear something about it.
The 2014 World Cup will last a month. With the NBA Finals about to wrap up within the next two weeks, expect soccer talk to dominate water cooler conversation. This is trouble if you’re a novice to the World Cup or soccer in general.
So we’re here to help with the official 2014 World Cup guide for idiots. Scroll down and read, idiots.
First, novices, here is how the game play goes:
Now we can go on to the Cup.
The 2014 World Cup takes place in Brazil.
Yes, actually. There are serious issues involved with Brazil hosting the cup (like the fact that, ya know, THERE ARE SOCCER STADIUMS STILL NOT FINISHED YET).
However, you’re not going. So that doesn’t mean anything to you. The only thing that you need to know is that the Cup won’t be in South Africa, like it was in 2010.
So you won’t be hearing this:
You will be hearing this, though:
Yes, folks, the caxirola has replaced the vuvuzela as the annoying noise-making object of the World Cup…
(Uh, actually scratch that.)
There are 32 countries divided into eight groups in the tournament. Those countries range from powerhouses like Argentina and Brazil, to the less heralded teams like Uganda and Iran.
The United States is one of the teams that made the cut.
However, the United States won’t be winning the tournament.
And we’re not traitors for saying this, either. The United States’ own coach, Jürgen Klinsmann, is saying the same damn thing: “I think for us now, talking about winning a World Cup is just not realistic.”
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t root for The States. You should. Just temper emotions…a bit.
So who are the stars of the United States team?
Well, there’s the star…
Whoops! Actually, not him.
Landon was the one soccer player who every American knew (other than David Beckham. But that guy is washed).
We guess the new it-guys for the States is team captain Clint Dempsey…
…and Michael Bradley.
And there’s the aforementioned coach, Jürgen Klinsmann. But he doesn’t think we can win, so fuck him.
(He’s German anyway.)
Here’s the thing: a lot of the big teams are going to have their moments. But at the end of the day, Brazil will win the Cup.
The host team will be holding the trophy…
…which is the worst trophy in sports – it’s literally the size of a medium drink at Subway.
Happy World Cup, everyone!
PHOTO SOURCE: GETTY