DISCLAIMER: I am writing this from the afterlife as I suffered inconsolable shock at the conclusion of the Pretty Little Liars mid-season finale and died. The Wifi here is great, and this post will be ridden with spoilers that will piss you off if you read them.
I don’t watch much television, but when I do queue up shows for a marathon watching on my computer (because us millennials need instant gratification to be interested, ya know) I tend to emotionally connect to one or two characters per show in the most uncanny way possible. When it comes to Pretty Little Liars, that pair was Aria, mostly initally because of her stylish wardrobe, but later, for her admittedly disturbing relationship with her English teacher, Ezra.
Yea, he had a sketchy past, half of a last name (Fitzgerald was his full last name, shortened to distance himself from his not-so-accepting and super rich family) but Ezra was dreamy, so we accepted his strange money in the draw and his random love child, but what happened last night…I am not sure I can forgive Ezra for last night, that is if it is true.
After a pretty ho-hum beginning 35 minutes of the show, like with most finales for the ABC Family series, shit didn’t start to get Rosewood real until the final moments. Even with a number of reveals of monumental proportions, there were more questions than answers left **If you haven’t watched the episode, stop reading now** after EzrA’s reveal, I am not confident that it is left in my heart to wait two months to tune into the Halloween special. Until then, let’s reflect on some of the most WTF questions that the Pretty Little Liars mid-season finale has left us to ponder.
1. Where are the Little Liars hiding all of these lavish, albiet creepy, “gifts” from A?
Seriously, Kids coffins don’t come cheap and neither do Houdini illuison boxes, the village of personalized dolls (have you seen the price tag on an American Girl doll?) or custom Magic 8 balls. Speaking of which, why didn’t Spencer shake the Magic 8 Ball to see if there were any alternative clues? C’mon!
2. Who thought it was a good idea to let Aria get inside of that box?
A mime using zero words was able to bribe her with a pouty face to get in a magic box when it was clear that A was lurking around this town the sun never touches? No thanks Mime, but you could have cried all your makeup off before I even considered getting in that box.
3. Why the hell is everyone missing?
Noel Khan may have been trouble, but he was a beautiful serial dater, Lucas was the master of all things sketchy but had a good heart, and we don’t even know if Jenna survived that fall in the lake pond thing. PLL Where are they, dammit? Holden? Meredith? Jason? Spencer’s dad? Mona’s parents? Where??!
4. Why are the wardrobes such shit now?
This is unrelated to the drama of the show, but before I was enthralled with the dramatic plot, Pretty Little Liars was attractive because of each girl’s amazing individual style, and impractical outfits for teenage high school students, but I loved it. Now that they have entered this un-creative union with Macy’s (see last week’s shameless name drop of going shopping at Macy’s with Ms. Delorentes) we’ve been subjected to Hanna in platform sneakers instead of Miu Miu and dark brooding Aria in pathetic pastel pink varsity sweaters. Stop the madness!
5. Why, EzrA?
Ezra, why would you pluck our beating hearts from the inside of our chest and smother it in such a manner? Why would deceive us with your humble exposed brick studio and sexy knowledge of literature just to go all A on us? Also, who the hell is funding all of this extravagance? You sure aren’t doing it on a teacher’s salary. You’re too damn good looking for all this fuss, and if you try to take any of this out on Jake’s beauty, I will have no choice but to write you out of my heart FOREVER!
We have little to say about Alison’ vindictive ass, but if she is alive then she has a whole lot of explaining to do when she decides to show up again.
Until next time, PLL lovers.