The Facebook Headquarters is buzzing in the news sphere with highly anticipated changes for the giant social media website. With more than 500 million users who will be effected by the changes we are curious to know if the upgraded functions will meet our true narcissistic needs. We’ve rounded up a list of new bells and whistles we’d like to see on the updated system.
1. “View HISTORY of Relationships” function.
So you know already know if this guy/girl is single, married, or “it’s complicated” but it would be a phenomenal time saver if we can find out through Facebook, the long winded history of their relationships.
If I meet a guy that is divorced but haven’t revealed it yet, I’d like to be able to hunt down the information myself on see that this guy was previously “Married.”
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2. A function that recognizes obscenities and an option to hide from groups of people.
Your grandpa just requested your friendship on Facebook. Now what?
Instead of de-tagging yourself from frat parties where you’re wearing panties as a skirt making out with multiple people holding a cigarette in one hand and a beer can in another standing next to a giant 5 ft. bong, this non existent magical button could sensor pictures with sensitive objects.
Objects may include, boobs, joints, beer bong, cigarettes, 40’s and other obnoxious things that might offend the elderly and let’s be honest, your boss shouldn’t be seeing those either.
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3. In-House Retouching
That group picture taken at the picnic , annoyingly with every person tagged, is all over Facebook and although you’ve de-tagged yourself, the giant mountain of a pimple on your nose or the camel-toe you didn’t know you had is open for the grand exhibition all over the digital-scape for everyone to see.
There should be an option here, to be able to ‘retouch’ photos, and I use this term in a deliberately cosmetic way with the hope that users will only use it to beautify themselves with a bit of airbrush magic and hopefully not- to draw penises on people’s faces.
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4. A “Dislike” function for posts aka. “I don’t give a rat’s A–”
If we have the option to express our positive feelings in regards to a post we should also have the option to show the opposite.
The button should NOT be used as predatory means to attack someone with a cheapshot.
But if you and your ex are still friends on Facebook and he/she has the nerve to put up “In a Relationship” with your best friend or family member, you have every right to click the “DISLIKE” button.
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5. “Flag” for cyber-bullying.
As a follow-up of the last
